GREENVILLE, DE – As a response to Russia attacking Poland with several drones yesterday the ex-President Joe Biden today boldly declared that “Russia would have never attacked Poland if I were president”
“Look, folks, I know Putin,” Biden said, squinting into the distance as if Russia itself were hiding in the back row. “He’s tough, sure, but when I was in charge, he knew better. Poland was safe. Poland is safe. And by the way, there is great sausage, great people. Did I ever tell you about the time I ate kielbasa with Lech Walesa in ’87? Changed my life.”
Several aides attempted to shuffle the former president off stage, but Biden waved them away, insisting he still had “three more stories about pierogis.”
Ex-President doubled down. “You all don’t get it. This is classic deterrence. No Polish city – Warsaw, Krakow, even… uh… what’s the one with the big castle – none of them got invaded on my watch. That’s called leadership.”
Meanwhile, Polish officials released a short statement reminding the world that they are, in fact, still fine, still NATO, and still largely un-invaded.
*Image: flickr.com/Gage Skidmore