MOSCOW, RUSSIA – The Russian censorship agency Roskomnadzor, (The Federal Service for Supervision of Communications, Information Technology and Mass Media) has officially demanded that Santa Claus be recognized as a foreign agent.
According to a press release from the Roskomnadzor, Santa Clause exhibits unmistakable hallmarks of Western ideological influence and poses a subtle threat to Russia’s national identity.
Suspicious resemblance to Ronald McDonald
Roskomnadzor cited Santa’s “suspicious resemblance” to a famous costumed man-figure representing an unfriendly American fast-food chain, serving burgers and fries.
“The red cap, the red pants, and that wide white belt – this is clearly an attempt to mimic the colors of certain Western fast-food chains while brainwashing children into celebrating foreign holidays,” explained a censorship agency’s spokesperson. “Our Ded Moroz (Russian equivalent for Santa Claus) dresses with dignity. He doesn’t look like he’s about to sell you a cheeseburger.”
Popularity in countries deemed “unfriendly”
Another accusation levelled against Santa Claus is his overwhelming popularity in countries deemed “unfriendly” to the Russian Federation. “He is celebrated in the United States, Canada, and most of Europe—places with a long history of sanctioning our economy,” the spokesperson added. “It’s not just a coincidence. It’s a calculated cultural invasion.”
Unconventional entry methods
Roskomnadzor also took issue with Santa’s unconventional entry methods. By bypassing traditional doors and using chimneys, Santa was accused of promoting subversive behavior.
“This is not how an honest guest behaves. What kind of message is this sending to our citizens? That sneaking into homes is acceptable?” Roskomnadzor asked rhetorically. “Russian Ded Moroz uses the front door, like a respectable person. He doesn’t skulk around on rooftops.”
Santa Claus to consider joining Western sanctions against Russia
Santa Claus, who could not be reached for comment, is reportedly considering his further actions. Unconfirmed reports suggest he might be considering joining Western sanctions against Russia and not deliver any presents to Russian children this year.”
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