RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA – In a surprising turn of events, members of the U.S. delegation, lead by secretary of state Marco Rubio, have reported an unexplained and deeply uncomfortable case of “sour butts” following high-stakes peace negotiations with their Russian counterparts. The peace negotiations took place regarding the potential cease-fire or even end of the Russian aggression in Ukraine
American diplomats, who initially walked into the meeting room confident and upright, were later seen waddling out gingerly, wincing with every step.
“We don’t know what happened,” said one anonymous official, shifting awkwardly in his chair.
“One minute we were discussing ceasefire terms, but some hours later, we woke up and all felt like we’d been… well, compromised. And yet, we do have absolutely no memories of what might have happened during those hours in that room. It’s as if we’ve been mystically screwed, but we have no evidence.”
Intelligence experts are now reviewing security footage for signs of any supernatural Russian negotiating tactics, including the rumored but unconfirmed “phantom penetration” strategy.
Russian representatives, when asked for comment, simply smirked and shrugged. “Maybe they sat on something uncomfortable,” suggested one delegate, stifling laughter.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories are running wild, with some in Washington whispering about an advanced Kremlin technique known as “diplomatic rear-end recalibration.”
Whether foul play was involved remains uncertain, but one thing is clear – this negotiation left a lasting impression on the U.S. delegates, and not just on paper.
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