NEW YORK, NY – Climate activists have identified an unexpected culprit behind rising global temperatures: human breathing.
According to the Coalition for Atmospheric Neutrality Today (CANT), every exhale releases carbon dioxide, directly contributing to what they are now calling global worming – a crisis where the Earth is getting so warm that, allegedly, even worms are migrating to cooler soils.
To combat this alarming trend, CANT is demanding that all humans voluntarily cut their breathing by at least 50% by 2030.
“If we just inhale and hold for a bit longer, we can literally hold back climate change,” said spokesperson Luna Evergreen, pausing to take a very shallow breath.
The organization is also proposing an international “One Breath Per Minute” Challenge, where citizens are encouraged to minimize exhalations to reduce their carbon footprint.
However, critics argue that the plan may have unintended side effects, such as fainting, unconsciousness, and a sharp rise in emergency room visits.
In response, CANT has reassured the public that they are working on sustainable alternatives, including government-subsidized personal oxygen budgets and a controversial plan to replace traditional air with “Eco-Friendly Breeze Credits™.”
* Image: Pixabay.com