BOULDER, COLORADO – Local man Dave “Diesel” Thompson, 34, sparked laughter at the Boulder Whole Foods on Tuesday after confessing his deep-seated fear of buying a cucumber without also tossing a tub of Vaseline into his cart, case he fears, someone may think he is a vegan.
“I just can’t risk it,” Thompson explained, nervously eyeing the produce aisle. “You put a cucumber on the conveyor belt, no context, and suddenly people are whispering, ‘That guy’s probably making a quinoa bowl.’ It’s humiliating.”
According to Dave, nothing terrifies him more than being associated with plant-based diets, kale smoothies, or “God forbid, tofu.”
Thompson claims the addition of Vaseline to his purchase adds an air of mystery that keeps assumptions at bay. “People see that combo and they back off,” he said proudly.
“Seeing that combination, people are not thinking automatically about vegans. They’re thinking… well, something else. But at least I’m in control of the narrative.”
At press time, Thompson was seen leaving the store with a cucumber, Vaseline, and a copy of Meat Lover’s Monthly, hoping to “balance the energy.” Witnesses say he appeared relieved, though noticeably flustered when he accidentally made eye contact with a man in a “Powered by Plants” T-shirt.
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