MOSCOW, RUSSIA – U.S. President Donald Trump has been named “Kremlin Employee of the Month” for February 2025 by the Moscow Kremlin, according to sources who may or may not be sipping vodka at this very moment.
The announcement praised Trump for his “unwavering dedication to Russian interests, whether intentional or otherwise.”
A Kremlin spokesperson, Dmitri Peskov, stated, “Mr. Trump has demonstrated exceptional service in advancing our agenda, whether by praising our leadership, questioning NATO, or simply causing chaos in American politics. His work, though unpaid (officially), has been invaluable to us.”
The award reportedly comes with a lifetime supply of vodka, a golden membership to Moscow’s most exclusive oligarch sauna, and a framed certificate signed personally by Putin. Kremlin confirmed that the certificate will be delivered to Trump within an envelope that definitely does not contain any classified documents.
Upon hearing the news, Trump responded enthusiastically, reportedly saying, “It’s a tremendous honor, folks, absolutely tremendous. Nobody’s ever been a better Kremlin Employee of the Month. Believe me, many people are saying it. Putin, great guy, strong guy, he gets it.” He then demanded an immediate recount to ensure he actually won the award every month.
Meanwhile, the White House has yet to comment, though sources report that officials were last seen collectively sighing and stress-eating cheeseburgers.