WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a press conference today, the Federal Reserve unveiled its groundbreaking plan to abandon gold reserves and instead back the U.S. dollar with eggs.
Chair of the Federal Reserve Jerome Powell, standing beside a towering pyramid of Grade A large eggs, declared, “For too long, we’ve been restricted by the limitations of precious metals. But today, eggs are the future and due to an unbelievable spike in eggs market value, eggs are a new commodity well suitable for backing U.S. dollar.”
“Considering the unforeseen and unbelievable rise in eggs market value during the last 12 months, the Fed just cannot leave this eggspensive commodity out”, Powell joked around.
The shift is expected to stabilize the economy by tying the dollar to something Americans understand deeply: breakfast.
“Gold just sits there,” Powell explained. “Eggs? Eggs have purpose. They symbolize new beginnings. Plus, they’re packed with protein and they’re nutritious, which is more than we can say for Treasury bonds these days.”
Markets responded with mixed reactions. Poultry farms saw their stocks skyrocket, while omelet prices in New York tripled within the hour.
Reports of hedge funds hoarding cartons of eggs in offshore refrigerators have already surfaced. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists online warn of a secret government plan to introduce “crypto-eggs” by 2026.
When asked if this new policy was sustainable, Powell cracked a smile and said, “We’re confident in our eggs-it strategy.”
* Image: Picryl.com / Pixabay.com