NUUK, GREENLAND – French troops reportedly arrived in Greenland some days ago to assist local residents with what officials called “advanced surrender techniques” in preparation for a hypothetical U.S. arrival.
The mission, dubbed ‘Opération White Flag’, aims to ensure that Greenlanders are “emotionally, culturally, and bureaucratically ready” to give up in a manner that is both tasteful and unmistakably French.
According to local sources, French instructors will focus on core competencies such as sighing loudly, shrugging with philosophical resignation, and submitting paperwork in triplicate before laying down arms.
“Surrender is not defeat,” explained one French colonel between sips of espresso. “It is an art form. Timing, posture, and facial expression matter. You cannot simply drop the flag anywhere – this is not amateur hour.”
Training exercises reportedly include mock beach landings, during which Greenlandic volunteers practice immediately giving up upon hearing distant aircraft, as well as seminars on choosing the correct wine to offer occupying forces.
Advanced students are said to be learning how to negotiate café hours under occupation and how to complain about the food while fully cooperating.
“The Americans respect confidence,” noted one instructor. “Especially confident capitulation.”
U.S. officials, when asked for comment, appeared unsure whether the situation was real, satire, or a new EU-funded cultural exchange program.
Meanwhile, Greenland’s government welcomed the French presence, stating that while an invasion was unlikely, “it never hurts to be prepared, or at least politely resigned.”
The French troops are expected to withdraw after completing their mission, assuming they don’t surrender first out of habit.
*Image: AI-generated