Authorities urge citizens to remain calm and resist the temptation to “check in” on loved ones. After all, nothing spreads fear like sincere human connection.
EVERYWHERE, USA – Chaos erupted across the United States today as TikTok, the beloved app of almost150 million American lip-syncers, wannabe chefs, and dancing grandmas, was officially banned.
Without their daily dose of endless scrolling and viral content, millions of Americans were forced to confront a terrifying reality: actual human interaction. Witnesses report scenes of unspeakable horror as neighbors exchanged greetings and coworkers initiated unsolicited small talk.
“It’s like the gates of hell have opened,” said Jessica Mills, 24, of Los Angeles, who was spotted awkwardly asking her roommate how their day was going. “I didn’t even know their name until today. We’ve lived together for three years!”
Reports of spontaneous dinners, board game nights, and strangers helping each other parallel park have flooded social media platforms still functioning, sparking widespread panic.
Experts have already dubbed this “The Great Fraternization Crisis of 2025.” Sociologists warn that prolonged eye contact and verbal communication may lead to a surge in empathy, camaraderie, and, heaven forbid, community-building.
“If this continues, Americans might start forming real-life friendships,” said Dr. Evan Carter, a professor of behavioral psychology. “This is completely uncharted territory.”
As of press time, desperate TikTokers have been seen filming dance routines on street corners, hoping someone, anyone, will “like” their moves in real-time.
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