NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – The U.S. stock markets have plummeted this year faster than a lead balloon tied to a cement truck. Financial experts describe the crash as “historic,” “catastrophic,” and “honestly, kind of impressive.”
One analyst was overheard saying, “It’s almost like the economy is being run by someone with a personal bankruptcy record of 5 times or more, that could qualify as a hobby.”
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 3,000 points (-6,9%) last month, while the S&P 500 fainted like a Victorian lady at the sight of bad credit. NASDAQ? Let’s not even talk about NASDAQ.
Economists are now referring to the crisis as the “Great Repossession,” with reports of Wall Street brokers being spotted on eBay auctioning off their ergonomic chairs and lucky neckties to make rent.
When reached for comment, an unnamed government official assured the public, “Everything is under control,” moments before being seen Googling “how to sell national parks on Craigslist.”
Meanwhile, financial planners recommend Americans invest heavily in canned goods, friendship bracelets, and learning to barter.
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