WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. government announced today its latest sanction against Russia: a total ban on hiring Russian spies to work within its own ranks. The shocking announcement, which many describe as long overdue, has sent ripples through the intelligence community, HR departments, and covert LinkedIn profiles worldwide.
“We’ve noticed a disturbing trend of Russian operatives infiltrating sensitive government positions under the guise of qualified applicants,” said the spoke-person for the National Security Agency (NSA).
“From their impeccable résumés to their disturbingly good references from ‘former KGB supervisors,’ it’s clear we’ve been a bit too… accommodating.”
The new policy, titled The Anti-Espionage Employment Act of 2024, is set to bar individuals linked to Russian intelligence from applying to positions requiring access to classified information.
When asked why it took decades for such a policy to materialize, NSA spoke-person chuckled nervously, admitting, “Honestly? We just assumed the ‘Don’t hire spies’ thing was an unspoken rule.”
Critics have already pounced on the announcement, pointing out that implementing such a ban may be easier said than done. “How do you enforce it?” questioned one political analyst.
“Spies are trained to, well, not look like spies. It’s not like they show up to interviews in trench coats and sunglasses saying, ‘Zdravstvuyte, I am here for ze secrets.’”
Meanwhile, the Russian government has dismissed the new sanctions as laughable. A spokesperson for the Kremlin said, “We have never admitted that Russia has any spies in America. If any Russians have been employed by the U.S. government, it is because they have a passion for bureaucratic efficiency and free coffee.”
In the wake of the announcement, the FBI has reportedly begun a thorough audit of current government employees. Early reports suggest they’ve uncovered several suspicious cases, including an NSA employee whose office decorations include a nesting doll collection and a Department of Energy staffer who had a banner of old time Soviet space rocket hanging on his office wall.
Whether this new policy will effectively curb espionage or simply lead to a glut of overqualified spies seeking private sector jobs remains to be seen.
One thing is clear: the next time someone aces a security clearance interview with a flawless Russian accent, HR is going to have a much tougher time brushing it off as “exotic charm.”
* Image: globsec.org