WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unexpected turn of geopolitical events, President Donald Trump announced today his plans to annex Alaska and declare it the 52th state of the United States.
Speaking at a hastily organized press conference held at the White House, Trump claimed Alaska had been “wrongfully separated” from the mainland and promised to “bring it back, bigger and colder than ever before.”
When informed Alaska is already a state, Trump doubled down. “Not my Alaska,” he declared. “We’re making it the 52th state. We’re skipping 51 because 52 sounds bigger.”
According to Trump, the move is part of a broader campaign to “Make Maps Great Again,” which includes plans to rearrange state borders into “more pleasing shapes” and finally settle the “New Mexico versus Old Mexico situation.”
He also floated the idea of renaming Alaska to “Trumpska,” claiming it would boost tourism. “People are going to want to visit Trumpska! It’ll be huge. Penguins, polar bears, ice – it’s like Frozen, but with more hotels and golf courses.”
When pressed for details on how he plans to annex a state that is already part of the U.S., Trump explained, “We’re doing it the classy way. I’ve been in talks with Putin – he loves the idea. He said he was thinking about taking Alaska back, but I said, ‘No way, Vlad. We’re keeping it. It’s ours. And we’re adding an extra star to the flag, shaped like a T.'”
* Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore