PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA — North Korea announced today that it would consider ceasing its clandestine arms shipments to aid Russia in its proxy war against Ukraine. However, this gesture of goodwill comes with a caveat: former NBA star Dennis Rodman must return to Pyongyang for what Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is calling a mandatory friendship summit.
“We may consider stopping our secret shipments of bullets, tanks, and poorly constructed missiles to Russian,” declared Kim in jovial speech broadcast on state television. “But only if the great diplomat Dennis Rodman comes back to honor the sacred basketball diplomacy we built together.”
Kim added that the summit would feature a “peace-through-dunking” tournament and a karaoke night featuring duets of 1990s boy band hits.
Rodman, who has visited North Korea multiple times and described Kim as a “friend for life,” was reportedly thrilled by the invitation. Speaking to reporters Rodman said, “Honestly, I’ve been waiting for Kim to call me. We’ve got unfinished business. Plus, I’ve been working on my three-point shot, and I’m ready to take it to the next level.”
The U.S. State Department, meanwhile, was less enthusiastic. A spokesperson for the department called the proposal highly unconventional and added, “While we appreciate any reduction in North Korea’s arms trafficking, relying on Dennis Rodman’s jump shot to maintain global peace was not in our contingency plans.”
In Russia, the announcement has sparked confusion and concern. Kremlin insiders reportedly fear that without North Korean weapons, their war effort could suffer setbacks. “It’s a shame,” one anonymous Russian official lamented. “We were just getting used to the oddly-shaped grenades and the tanks that only turn left.”
As for Rodman, he’s already planning his next trip to Pyongyang, “Seriously, if my dribbling can bring peace, who am I to say no?”
The world now watches as basketball’s most unconventional ambassador prepares to take another shot at so-called basketball-diplomacy.
* Image: Instagram/viewingmag