MOSCOW, RUSSIA – The Russian Army demonstrated today its newest rocket launcher, nicknamed “Blini Blaster 3000.”
During a dramatic unveiling ceremony in Moscow, the new weapon system was presented with an array of pyrotechnics and a live performance of the Russian national anthem, and a surprise appearance by a dancing bear. The only thing missing? An explanation of how it actually works.
Military experts from around the world eagerly waited for technical details. However, instead of specifications, attendees were treated to a 45-minute slideshow of Putin’s fishing photos and a suspiciously vague description of the launcher’s capabilities as “very powerful, trust us”.
Classical Russian statement “there is no analogues to it in the world” was also during to the presentation.
One defense analyst was overheard muttering, “What the f… this is?” before being promptly escorted out by security.
The launcher’s design also raised eyebrows. It reportedly runs on a mix of jet fuel and pure Russian spirit. Rumors suggest it can launch missiles with “precision that makes other countries jealous,” though when asked for a demonstration, officials claimed they were “saving the fireworks for a surprise.”
Reactions online have been equally controversial. One skeptical Twitter user wrote, “Looks like someone combined a tractor, a submarine, and a vodka distillery.”
Meanwhile, Russian officials maintain that this new launcher is the future of warfare – silent, mysterious, and utterly confusing to its enemies.
* Image: X.com