SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – Seattle City Council has announced a bold new policy aimed at what is called the “rampant infiltration of East Coast Americans” into the Emerald City.
In a press conference Tuesday, the mayor declared that any resident found using the phrase “bodega,” complaining about the lack of a subway system, or wearing a Yankees cap would be humanely relocated to Miami, the designated deportation zone.
“For too long, these East Coasters have been coming in with their fast-talking attitudes, honking at cyclists, and acting like waiting five minutes for a coffee is a personal attack,” the mayor said.
“Seattle culture is at stake, and we will not stand idly by while it’s eroded by people who think winter means 50 degrees and a light jacket.” The mayor assured citizens that the deportation process would be fair, with offenders receiving a free candy bar before their one-way ticket to Florida.
Local East Coast transplants have expressed outrage at the plan. “I just moved here from Brooklyn three months ago, and now they’re telling me I have to go back to Miami? I don’t even like humidity!” said Danny R, who recently arrived in Seattle from New York City.
Meanwhile, officials in Miami responded with a brief statement: “Please, for the love of God, stop sending us more New Yorkers. Anyone else is ok, but just not New Yorkers!”
* Image: Wikimedia commons cca-by-sa-2.0
