WASHINGTON, DC – The U.S. government has issued an official warning urging citizens to remain calm and resist the temptation to “check in” on loved ones and friends after the bank of social media platform TikTok in the US.
The official warning was issued following the overnight explosion of a viral TikTok trend #TikTokBan.
The Department of Communication Alternatives (DoCA) cautioned that such behavior could lead to widespread confusion as Americans grapple with the reality of not being able to stalk their loved ones’ whereabouts through dance challenges or oddly specific “Day in My Life” videos.
“We understand this is a difficult adjustment,” said spokesperson Linda Green. “But we strongly discourage citizens from texting, calling, or – heaven forbid – visiting each other in person. It’s critical we stay united by staying distant. We’re exploring safer alternatives, like carrier pigeons or yelling loudly out your front door.”
The warning comes amid reports of panicked TikTokers attempting to share updates via refrigerator notes, skywriting, and hastily performed interpretive dances on the street.
“Without the ‘For You Page,’ we don’t even know what’s for us anymore,” lamented one distraught user outside a local Starbucks.
Experts are encouraging Americans to lean on existing analog solutions, such as FaceTiming your dog or standing in your neighbor’s driveway while holding a boombox.
While the situation remains tense, DoCA promises to provide citizens with a 90-second explainer video – on YouTube, of course – as soon as they figure out how to condense a government policy into a trending soundbite.
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