MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Moscow announced today that the US dollar raising above 120 Russian rubles, will now be considered an act of aggression against Russia, warranting immediate and resolute measures, including the use of strategic deterrence.
In other terms, the Kremlin has drawn a new red line that ties the fate of the world to currency exchange rates, and it involves nuclear weapons.
A clear provocation by the West
Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov accused unscrupulous financial speculators of weaponizing the forex market to attack Russia’s sovereignty.
“If the ruble exchange rate breaches the sacred threshold of 120 per 1 dollar, we will interpret this as a deliberate attack orchestrated by NATO banks,” Peskov said. “As always, Russia reserves the right to defend our currency – yes, even with nukes. This isn’t a threat; it’s a fiscal policy.”
Sanctions or sabotage
The Kremlin insists this is not about poor economic planning or sanctions but a coordinated hybrid warfare operation to undermine Russia’s global standing.
“When the West prints dollars to flood the market, they are attacking our Motherland. When our ruble drops, that’s a direct missile strike on the heart of Russia,” said Peskov, visibly holding back tears.
Russia developing forex-seeking missiles
Moscow’s military doctrine has also been updated to include new strategies. Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu announced that Russia is developing forex-seeking hypersonic missiles capable of targeting trading hubs in London, New York, and Zurich.
“No one is safe from the Kremlin’s new currency-defense initiative,” Shoigu said. As per Shoigu’s words, these missiles are faster than the Fed’s rate hikes.
Ruble-inspired countdown clock installed
In a show of resolve, the Kremlin erected a massive countdown clock in Red Square, displaying the live ruble-to-dollar exchange rate.
If it ticks closer to 120, sirens will reportedly blare across Moscow, warning citizens to prepare for financial Armageddon. The government also announced it is stockpiling canned goods, gold, and memes about “Western decadence” for morale purposes.
* Image: Flickr.com / James ST. John