WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) declared today its intention to prohibit the sale, distribution, and even public reading of the Holy Bible within the United States.
FCC Chairman Brendan Carr, with a straight face and a stack of unread legal documents at his side, explained the reasoning in a press briefing.
“There is no praising of Donald Trump in the Holy Bible,” Carr announced. “To be absolutely precise, the Holy Bible does not mention President Trump at all! Therefore, it’s smart for Americans not to waste their time on such a pointless book.”
Carr went on to argue that, as a communications regulatory body, the FCC was uniquely qualified to judge the quality of ancient religious texts.
“Look, if a book has been out for over 2,000 years and still hasn’t updated to include the most important political figure of our time, that’s just sloppy editing,” he said. “The Bible is like an old flip phone – maybe once revolutionary, but now embarrassingly out of date.”
Naturally, the announcement sent shock-waves across religious communities, publishers, and meme pages alike.
Churches scrambled to prepare “Bible Patch Notes,” while one enterprising startup promised to release “The Trump Testament,” featuring red-letter tweets and a Book of Covfefe.
The Vatican reportedly reached out for clarification but was told to submit their concerns via a toll-free hotline that plays “YMCA” on loop while you wait.
Critics of the move pointed out that banning the Bible isn’t exactly within the FCC’s jurisdiction. Carr waved off such concerns.
“If we can fine people for cussing on TV, we can fine people for quoting scripture without Trump in it,” he retorted. “This is about protecting American viewers from wasted content. We’re not banning religion – we’re just requiring all holy texts to meet modern political standards. And by modern, I mean 2016–2020, obviously.”
*Image: AI-generated