WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House allegedly announced today that all future U.S. weapon sales to partner nations will require prior written approval from Russian president Vladimir Putin.
According to the highly classified memo, shipments will be subject to a two-step sign-off: first the usual U.S. export clearance, and then a polite note to the Kremlin asking, “Do these make you uncomfortable?” The memo reportedly included a line-item for “emotional validations” to be returned within 14 business days.
An anonymous staffer explained that the new process will be nicknamed “Putin’s Stamp of Practicality,” and that Russia’s stamp – a bespoke red circle with the words Da, da, nyet – would be affixed to every crate of anything labeled “defensive” or “defensively ambiguous.”
Allies were said to appreciate the move for its clarity; others appreciated it because it finally gave them someone to blame for delivery delays.
Congressional reaction was mixed: some lawmakers applauded the creativity (and the reduction in paperwork), while others proposed an amendment requiring the approval form to be accompanied by a haiku explaining the denial.
NATO sources supposedly floated the idea of a joint-app, where partners could track approval status in real time and receive push notifications like “Your Patriot battery has been declined for aesthetic reasons” or “Putin requests to swap for vodka instead.”
*Image: Flickr.com/Trump White House Archived/Ai-modified