WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an emergency press briefing that left reporters alternating between laughter and mild concern, U.S. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. confessed Monday that neither he nor any known medical specialist has the faintest idea what caused President Donald Trump’s “truly awful, unprecedented” bout of diarrhea during President Trump’s fighter jet flight yesterday.
“Frankly, we’re stumped,” Kennedy said, adjusting his glasses and flipping through a stack of charts featuring several shades of brown.
“We’ve ruled out food poisoning, stress, and even the McDonald’s ‘Double Big Mac Trifecta.’ At this point, it might be something new to science — a kind of ‘presidential intestinal event.’”
Sources inside the White House medical unit described the situation as “a Category 5 gastrointestinal incident,” reportedly forcing aides to evacuate the Oval Office for ventilation reasons.
One anonymous staffer said, “The Secret Service brought in a hazardous material team, but honestly, morale hasn’t recovered. You can Febreze the carpets, but you can’t Febreze your soul.”
Kennedy reassured the public that the President is expected to make a full and fragrant recovery, though he warned of potential long-term consequences.
“We’ll be monitoring him closely,” he said. “And by that, I mean from at least two rooms away.”
*Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skirmore / X.com/@RpsAgainstTrump