WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump reportedly convened an emergency meeting this week to explore the possibility of renaming the United States of America to the “United States of Trump.”
Sources close to the discussion say the idea came after Trump allegedly remarked, “We already have Trump Towers, Trump Steaks, and Trump NFTs . Why not the whole country? It’s branding. Tremendous branding.”
According to insiders, early drafts of the proposal include replacing the bald eagle with a “more luxurious, gold-accented eagle,” as well as updating the national motto to “In Trump We Trust – It’s Working Very Well, By the Way.”
Critics from across the political spectrum were quick to respond, with some lawmakers questioning whether a country can, in fact, be rebranded like a line of golf courses.
Meanwhile, a panel of constitutional scholars reportedly spent several hours debating whether the Founding Fathers would have objected, ultimately concluding, “They probably didn’t see this one coming.”
International leaders, for their part, have expressed confusion, with one diplomat asking if passports would now be printed on gold foil “or just strongly implied.”
Despite the backlash, Trump remains optimistic, telling supporters that the name change would be “the greatest rebrand in history, bigger than anything, bigger than Coca-Cola, bigger than anything you’ve ever seen.”
He added that negotiations are already underway to secure naming rights, though skeptics note he may be negotiating with himself.
At press time, officials confirmed the proposal is still in the “very serious, but also possibly a joke – no one is entirely sure” phase.
*Image: AI-generated