WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning breakthrough for digital security, internet experts announced today that the most effective way to protect your computer files from FBI investigation is to label your file folders “Definitely Not Epstein Stuff.”
According to cryptography experts, federal agents are legally, morally, and spiritually forbidden from opening any folder that explicitly says it is not suspicious.
“Once we see that label, we have to move on,” said an FBI agent who asked to remain anonymous because this knowledge is not obviously wide spread.
The strategy relies on what professionals call the “Pinky Promise Principle,” a long-standing cornerstone of law enforcement.
By clearly stating that a folder does not contain incriminating material, users activate an ancient bureaucratic spell that renders the contents invisible to authorities.
“It’s the same reason nobody ever checks a box labeled ‘Nothing Illegal In Here,’” explained a cybersecurity blogger while refusing to make eye contact.
Early adopters of the technique report incredible results. One man claims he stored thousands of files under folders titled “Definitely Not Epstein Stuff,” “Seriously Stop Looking,” and “Trust Me Bro,” all without triggering so much as a polite knock on the door.
Meanwhile, the FBI has allegedly been forced to abandon entire investigations after encountering similarly named directories, citing rules against “being awkward.”
Critics warn that this method may be too powerful, potentially collapsing the justice system if widely adopted.
Still, experts insist it’s perfectly safe, alongside other proven security measures like renaming your hard drive “Grandma’s Cookie Recipes” and setting your password to “password123.”
At press time, the FBI declined to comment, mostly because they are busy not opening any folders that clearly say they shouldn’t.
*Image: AI-generated