WASHINGTON, D.C. – Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessett reportedly stared silently at a laminated world map for several minutes on Tuesday before announcing his deep personal disappointment that, following former President Trump’s newly announced tariffs on Denmark, the United States will now have to pay 10% more to buy Greenland, which – much to everyone’s surprise – remains a product of Denmark.
“This is not the kind of inflation we modeled,” Bessett sighed, gently removing a tiny sticky note labeled ‘Future U.S. Asset?’ from the Arctic island.
According to Treasury insiders, Bessett had spent months carefully working out a “very competitive” acquisition price for Greenland, factoring in bulk ice discounts, strategic polar bear population, and long-term iceberg depreciation.
“We had a good thing going,” one official said. “Now thanks to tariffs, Greenland is basically premium European real estate.”
Bessett was reportedly heard muttering, “This is why you always read the country-of-origin label,” while rubbing his temples.
The Secretary later clarified that while the tariffs were meant to protect American industries, they had the unfortunate side effect of complicating the purchase of entire foreign landmasses.
“Look, I support tough trade policy,” Bessett said at a press briefing, “but I did not anticipate a scenario where tariffs would hit us hardest in the territorial shopping aisle.”
He added that the Treasury is now exploring whether Greenland can be reclassified as a “used item” or possibly a “slightly damaged open-box continent.”
At press time, officials confirmed the administration is considering several cost-saving alternatives, including waiting for a seasonal sale, using reward points, or asking Denmark if Greenland comes with free shipping.
“Ten percent may not sound like much,” Bessett concluded somberly, “but on something the size of Greenland, that adds up, especially once you factor in maintenance, snow removal, and existential questions about imperialism.”
*Image: AI-generated