NEW YORK, NY – The Indigenous people of the Reckgawawanc tribe announced the appointment of a Special Envoy for the Orderly Repossession of Manhattan.
The envoy, wearing a traditional sash paired with a borrowed Midtown visitor badge, explained that the island had been “on loan” since the 1600s and that the tribe’s patience had officially expired last Tuesday at around 3:45 p.m.
According to the official statement, the decision to reclaim Manhattan was driven by “urgent security concerns,” including rising rent prices, hostile pigeons, and the continued existence of Times Square.
“We can’t even walk our ancestors’ land without being asked if we work here,” the envoy noted gravely, adding that the sheer number of chain pharmacies posed a clear threat to cultural stability and basic human morale.
The plan for taking Manhattan back is said to be “measured, peaceful, and extremely inconvenient,” involving a series of ceremonial meetings, strongly worded memos, and a mandatory history pop quiz for current inhabitants.
Descendants of European establishers were reassured they would not be forcibly removed, but may be asked to “scoot over a bit,” particularly those occupying penthouses, office buildings, or street-food carts.
City officials responded cautiously, saying they were open to dialogue but needed time to “check the zoning laws from 1626.”
Meanwhile, the Reckgawawanc tribe emphasized that once Manhattan is secured, they intend to restore balance to the land by reintroducing native plants and reducing the number of luxury condos.
*Image: AI-generated