TEHRAN, IRAN – Iranian officials announced today a “temporary, but totally permanent” ban on Americans and Israelis playing chess, declaring at a press conference: “We invented this game. You were all just beta testers.”
The announcement was delivered alongside a dramatically overturned chessboard for emphasis, followed by a 20-minute historical lecture no one asked for.
Government spokesperson insisted the decision was about “protecting intellectual heritage,” citing long-standing debates about the origins of chess, which has been historically linked to ancient Persia as well as India
“When you say ‘checkmate,’ you’re literally speaking Persian,” one official added. “At this point, it’s basically cultural appropriation with bishops.” He then reportedly confiscated a rook “on principle.”
International reactions were swift. American players expressed confusion, asking whether the ban applied to apps, wooden boards, or “that one uncle who takes 40 minutes per move.”
Meanwhile, Israeli players were reportedly unfazed, noting that Iranian chess players have previously avoided competing against them in international events anyway. One grandmaster shrugged: “Honestly, we’ve been ghosted over less.”
In response, Iran unveiled a new domestic-only version of chess tentatively titled “Original Chess: Director’s Cut.”
Key rule changes reportedly include the queen requiring official permission to move and pawns submitting paperwork before promotion.
Officials concluded the briefing by warning the world: “If necessary, we will also reclaim backgammon. Don’t test us.”
*Image: AI-generated