WASHINGTON, D.C. – Vise-President JD Vance announced today that the key to skyrocketing the stock market under a future Trump administration isn’t policy or strategy, but simple manners.
“If share traders would just apologize for their bad vibes and say thank you, the market will go up again. It’s basic economics,” Vance declared at a press conference, while casually flipping through a copy of “Stocks for Dummies”.
Vance elaborated on his unorthodox theory, claiming that during the Trump years, the market thrived because investors “respected the hustle” and “said nice things” to the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
“Gratitude is a bullish indicator,” he explained solemnly. “We’re talking about a 5,000-point surge just from a heartfelt ‘thank you’ – maybe even a hug if they’re serious.”
When asked for clarification on which traders should apologize and for what, Vance waved dismissively. “For everything. For doubting. For selling during dips. For not believing hard enough in American greatness,” he said.
He then suggested that the New York Stock Exchange host an official “Sorry Ceremony,” complete with a Trump rally DJ and discounted MAGA hats for participating brokers.
At press time, sources close to Wall Street reported a mixed reaction. One hedge fund manager was heard muttering, “I’ll apologize if it makes my portfolio stop bleeding,” while another frantically Googled “How to say thank you in Mandarin.”
* Imagr: Flickr.com/Gege Skidmore