OTTAWA, CANADA – Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy announced on Saturday that he had successfully brokered a historic “peace deal” under which Canada would peacefully take control of the United States.
The revelation came during a high-profile summit held in Ottawa, notably absent of any U.S. representatives. “It was a tough negotiation, but in the end, we all agreed it was for the best,” Zelenskyy said with a light smile on his face.
The deal, dubbed the “Eh-merican Accord,” reportedly involves Canada assuming full governance of its southern neighbour while keeping key American traditions, such as NASCAR, unlimited refills, and arguing about football.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed the arrangement, adding, “We are thrilled to welcome 50 new provinces into the Canadian family. We’ve already started converting all McDonald’s menus to include poutine.”
U.S. officials, upon learning of the agreement via Twitter, appeared confused. White House Press Secretary stated, “This is the first we’re hearing of it. Are you sure this isn’t an SNL skit?”
Meanwhile, U.S. President Donald Trump responded by announcing he was moving to Mexico “just in case” and launching a new social media platform called “Truthier Social.”
The transition is expected to be finalized by summer, just in time for the first nationwide Canada Day celebrations, featuring fireworks, maple syrup fountains, and an inaugural “Sorry Parade” down Broadway.
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