ARLINGTON, VA – Pentagon officials today announced a comprehensive and totally reasonable new strategy to locate the long-rumored missing Epstein files: bombing “basically anywhere the vibes feel suspicious.”
According to the spokesperson, the plan leverages “cutting-edge intuition, several dartboards, and a strong belief that important documents tend to hide under deserts.”
When pressed for evidence, officials clarified that “the absence of evidence is, in many ways, the most compelling evidence of all.”
The operation, reportedly titled Enduring Paperwork Freedom, will involve an “extensive search effort” across vast regions, despite no known connection to the missing files.
Military analysts explained that the approach reflects a modern doctrine known as “preemptive filing retrieval,” in which any location that could hypothetically contain a document is treated as if it already does.
“We’re not saying the files are there,” one official noted, “but we’re also not not saying that, and that’s enough for a full deployment.”
Critics have raised concerns about the logic of the plan, pointing out that it appears to rely heavily on guesswork and an alarming disregard for geography.
In response, Pentagon representatives emphasized that the mission is about “sending a message,” though they did not specify to whom or what the message might be.
“Sometimes the real files,” one general added thoughtfully, “are the operations we launch along the way.”
Meanwhile, government insiders hinted that a backup plan is already in development in case the files are not uncovered.
Early proposals reportedly include searching the bottom of the ocean, several office supply closets in Washington, and “that one guy’s garage who definitely knows something.”
Officials remain optimistic, however, assuring the public that no matter the outcome, the operation will be declared a success “on a technical level.”
*Image: AI-generated