CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Declaring the situation “tragic but narratively inconvenient,” Harvard University student activists announced on Monday that they would be abstaining from any protests in support of Ukraine after confirming that Ukrainians are being killed by Russians, not Israelis.
“We strongly condemn violence, especially the kind that makes for easily shareable infographics,” said senior Maya Rosen-Mendoza, head of Harvard’s Protest Alignment Taskforce.
“But in this case, it’s just a brutal authoritarian invasion by a nuclear power. There’s no apartheid angle, not even an opportunity to shout down a visiting speaker in the student union,” Rosen-Mendoza explained, adjusting her $80 Che Guevara tote bag.
“We only mobilize for atrocities committed by Western countries or white adjacency,” Rosen-Mendoza continued. “Russia killing Ukrainians is problematic, yes, but not in the trendy, retweetable way.”
Sources confirmed that multiple student groups had attempted to draft a solidarity statement, but stalled after failing to find a way to blame the Russian aggression against Ukraine on Zionism, hedge funds, or a construction project in East Jerusalem.
“We tried our best,” said one visibly exhausted junior scrolling through Wikipedia’s list of NATO summits. “But the vibes were just geopolitically off.”
At press time, the student body was seen rallying instead against the campus Wi-Fi outage, which they described as “structural violence with clear settler-colonial undertones.”
* Image: Pixabay.com