MOSCOW, RUSSIA – The Moscow Kremlin today denied reports of explosions at oil depots and several factories across Russia, claiming instead that these incidents are part of an extended and uniquely Russian New Year celebration.
“While some may see fire and smoke, what you’re really witnessing is the unparalleled passion of the Russian people for festive pyrotechnics,” Kremlin spokesperson Dmitri Peskov explained.
“We celebrate New Year longer and louder than anyone else. Why stop at fireworks when you can have an entire oil terminal join the fun?” Peskov added.
The spokesperson went on to explain that Russians have taken to “creative celebrations” involving industrial-grade flares and factory chimney pyrotechnics to usher in good fortune for the coming year.
When asked why the festivities seemed to center around vital infrastructure, Peskov replied with a grin, “Russians are practical people. If you’re going to celebrate, you might as well combine it with routine maintenance.”
As footage of flaming oil depots in several Russian cities have circulated on social media, Peskov dismissed concerns, calling them “fake news.”
Peskov added that next year’s celebrations might feature exploding railcars, and maybe even some burning roofs in the Moscow Kremlin to make the next year’s celebrations extra-extra-extra spectacular.
* Image: youtube.com