COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – Denmark announced today it will immediately prohibit all exports of LEGO bricks to the United States, citing “serious national security concerns.”
Officials claim the move comes after evidence emerged that allies of former U.S. President Donald Trump had been running “covert influence operations” in Greenland — operations that allegedly included secret hit lists, and the suspiciously frequent use of LEGO Star Wars sets as bargaining chips.
According to Danish intelligence, Trump’s associates attempted to use LEGO kits to “soften up” Greenland’s local councils for a future U.S. takeover bid, leaving behind trails of Millennium Falcons and suspiciously incomplete Death Stars.
“We discovered caches of LEGO minifigures with briefcases full of tiny red hats,” one Danish security official said. “At first, we thought it was just eccentric fandom, but then we realized it was foreign policy.”
The ban, effective immediately, is already being dubbed the “Great LEGO Blockade.” American retailers are panicking, with some reporting that panicked parents have begun hoarding bricks in bulk. One Florida mother told reporters, “First it was toilet paper, then baby formula, now LEGO? My son’s Millennium Falcon is going to be half a ship. He’ll grow up knowing despair.”
Trump, reached at his golf course, dismissed the scandal as “fake bricks,” insisting he had “the best LEGO, the strongest LEGO,” and suggesting Denmark was “jealous of American architecture — especially Trump Tower, which could be built better with LEGOs, by the way.”
Meanwhile, Denmark has doubled down, warning that any attempts at smuggling will be met with “the full force of Viking customs officers armed with very sharp IKEA hex keys.”
* Image: AI