WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump announced a “huge, very huge” incentive for Russian regions willing to break away from Moscow.
Speaking ahead of proposed peace negotiations with Russia, Trump declared that the “first three Russian regions to secede will receive massive, beautiful discounts on their share of reparations to Ukraine.”
“It’s a tremendous deal, folks, just tremendous,” Trump stated. “If you’re a Russian oblast and you want out, this is your chance! First three get a discount, maybe even some special financing. You don’t want to be the fourth one – very bad deal for number four, believe me.”
Trump did not elaborate on how exactly the discounts would be calculated, but assured reporters it would be “the best, most fair, Trump-style pricing, better than anything Putin could ever offer.”
Kremlin officials were reportedly caught off guard, with one anonymous source calling the proposal “completely insane, but also strangely tempting.”
Meanwhile, Ukrainian officials have remained cautiously optimistic, with President Zelenskyy commenting, “Honestly, we weren’t expecting this strategy, but if it works, we won’t complain.”
Experts believe that while the plan is unlikely to materialize, it has already caused widespread confusion among Russian governors, some of whom are now discreetly Googling “how to secede from Russia and get a Trump discount.”
* Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore