WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shock to absolutely no one, President Donald Trump has promised a “very, very big, earth-shattering” announcement today, sending MAGA supporters into a frenzy and confused journalists into a caffeine spiral.
While no one really knows what’s coming, insiders at the White House (read: a very talkative janitor) have leaked the top five totally serious, definitely-not-made-up possibilities.
1. Trump to launch his own Moon: Not satisfied with golf courses on Earth, Trump is allegedly working with SpaceX’s janitorial division to launch Trump Moon™, a golden celestial body orbiting Earth, visible only from properties he owns. “It’ll be the classiest moon. You’ll love it. Much better than that dusty liberal moon,” Trump reportedly said.
2. Trump University to reopen as Trump Multiverse Academy: With education evolving, Trump plans to relaunch his famously bankrupt school as an interdimensional learning center. “We’ll teach winning. And time travel. And also how to sell steaks and real estate at the same time,” he said, claiming Elon Musk “called it genius, probably.”
3. Official presidential NFT Pokémon Card series: Trump may reveal a new collectible card line where presidents battle it out Pokémon-style. Rumour has it, “Trumpachu” evolves into “Mega MAGA Zilla” and has a special move called “Covfefe Blast.”
Trump’s announcement is expected at 4 PM sharp, followed by 45 minutes of ad-libbed rambling and an extended plug for Trump Water.
Stay tuned.
Or don’t.
It probably won’t change anything except your blood pressure.
* Image: Flickr.com/Trump White House Archived