NEW YORK, NY – The United States has formally appealed to the United Nations for protection against a wave of retaliatory trade tariffs slapped on American goods worldwide.
The appeal, filed under what officials are calling the “Economic Oopsie Clause,” claims that President Donald Trump “honestly didn’t think anyone would retaliate” when he launched a global trade war like it was a Fourth of July barbecue – loud, smokey, and mostly for show.
U.S. Ambassador to the U.N., presented the case in front of the General Assembly on Tuesday. “Ladies and gentlemen, we humbly request safe haven for our soybeans, Harley-Davidsons, and bourbon,” she pleaded.
“President Trump was under the impression that other countries would just roll over and say, ‘Wow, thank you, sir, may I have another?’ Clearly, we overestimated the persuasive power of tweets in all caps.”
The international response was swift and mostly amused. French officials offered the U.S. a complimentary crash course in Global Trade 101, while Canadian diplomats reportedly responded with a maple syrup-themed gift basket and a note that read, “Sorry, eh, but actions have consequences.”
At the same time, China is said to be drafting a counter-petition asking the U.N. to protect them from future “American logic.”
At press time, the U.N. had not ruled on the request but had reportedly forwarded it to the International Comedy Court in The Hague for review.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, officials are now scrambling to figure out how to undo a trade policy that was, according to one anonymous staffer, “based on vibes more than economics.”
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