WASHINGTON, D.C. – The newly renamed U.S. Department of War (DOW) announced it is considering a limited – very limited – military operation against Norway to secure the geopolitical conditions necessary to guarantee President Donald Trump the 2026 Nobel Peace Prize.
Sources close to the plan say the campaign will be carried out with extreme decorum: troops will hand out complimentary hot chocolate, military bands will play lullabies, and any strategic bombardment will be confined to targeted pillow drops.
Norway’s reaction was predictably baffled and very Scandinavian: an official statement thanked the United States for its “considerable interest” in Norwegian culture and requested that any Nobel-related lobbying be completed before the reindeer migration.
Meanwhile, critics pointed out the optics of staging a “peaceful war” to influence a peace prize, prompting a rare bipartisan outcry of laughter in the Senate. Congressional hearings were scheduled, though attendees noted the subpoenas were printed on very tasteful stationery and included an RSVP.
For the record: this story is a work of satire. No legitimate military plan exists to wage a “mainly peaceful” war for award positioning, and the Nobel Peace Prize is chosen by an independent Norwegian committee — which, as many pointed out during the brouhaha, does not accept bribes in the form of parades or pillow drops.
*Image: publicdomainpictures.net