BETHESDA, MD – Agents of the FBI raided the home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton yesterday. During the raid, FBi uncovered a series of bizarre and deeply confusing items.
Officials are still processing the scene, but sources confirmed the following seven discoveries:
- A Mustache Grooming Arsenal Rivalling the Pentagon’s Budget
Agents confiscated 47 types of mustache wax, a gold-plated comb, and what appeared to be blueprints for a “National Mustache Defense System.” - A Wall-Sized Map of the World With Sticky Notes Saying ‘Needs More Bombs’
Countries were highlighted in neon pink. Antarctica was circled three times with the words “just in case” written underneath. - A Collection of ‘Risk’ Boards That End Mid-Game
Each board ends with Bolton writing “Victory by pre-emptive strike” in Sharpie across the table before storming off. - Secret Stash of Yankee Candles Labeled ‘Smells Like Regime Change’
Scents included “Oil Field Sunrise” and “Diplomatic Failure Vanilla.” - A Binder Titled ‘My Presidential Campaign, But Only If Mustaches Come Back in Style’
Contents: one slogan idea — “Bolton 2028: War, But With Class.” - A Life-Size Cardboard Cutout of Himself at the UN
FBI sources noted the cutout had googly eyes taped on and a Post-it reading, “Only man I can truly trust.” - A Locked Safe Containing Nothing but a VHS Tape of ‘DuckTales’
Agents say Bolton screamed, “Don’t watch that! It explains everything!” before being gently escorted out.
Officials say the investigation is ongoing, but one agent admitted off-record: “Honestly, the scariest part was how organized his mustache supplies were. Like… military-level precision.”
* Image:Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore