COLUMBUS, OHIO – English teachers across America are reportedly praising Tyler Robinson, the alleged Charlie Kirk shooting suspect, not for his life choices, but for his flawless command of the English language: good punctuation, excellent syntax, no usage of gibberish, slang nor idiotic short forms that no grown-up understands.
“The punctuation was exquisite,” said Ms. Darlene Whitmore, a veteran AP English teacher from Ohio. “His comma usage brought tears to my eyes. I don’t condone violence, of course, but I’d hang his text messages on my classroom wall.”
Educators claim Robinson’s private messages to his roommate were “an oasis of grammatical perfection” in a desert of chaotic TikTok slang and caps-lock tirades.
“Not a single ‘u’ instead of ‘you,’” marveled Dr. Raymond Cho, professor of linguistics at NYU. “The man spelled out entire words. He even used the subjunctive mood correctly. Do you know how rare that is in America? Even my grad students don’t manage that.”
Meanwhile, social media users expressed outrage – not over the crime, but over the realization that they themselves couldn’t write as well as a federal suspect.
“Bro writes like the Oxford English Dictionary had a baby with Grammarly,” tweeted one college student, before immediately deleting the post after realizing she had written “ur” instead of “you’re.”
The National Council of Teachers of English has proposed Robinson’s texts be included in standardized testing materials.
“Yes, he’s in custody,” admitted Council spokesperson Janet Lee, “but future generations deserve to know what a properly constructed sentence looks like. If America can’t learn morality from this man, at least it can learn subject-verb agreement.”
*Image: Federal criminal information filed in US District Court in Utah