MINSK, BELARUS – Belarusian President Alexander Lukashenko was reportedly glued to his computer screen all day Tuesday, meticulously comparing rental prices for apartments in Moscow. Sources close to the dictator claim he was searching for a cosy but inconspicuous flat. Just in case his grip on power in Minsk gets a little slippery.
“He spent hours toggling between websites,” said an anonymous aide. “At one point, he got really excited about a one-bedroom near the Kremlin but decided it was too high-profile. Then he complained that all the good deals were taken. It’s like he’s prepping for an Airbnb getaway, not a political exile.”
Lukashenko’s peculiar day reportedly began after an awkward phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin. According to Kremlin insiders, Putin casually mentioned, “You know, Sasha, things can change fast these days,” during a chat about upcoming joint military exercises.
Lukashenko, notorious for his paranoia, immediately interpreted this as a warning shot. “He doesn’t want me to have better digs than Yanukovych had in Rostov,” Lukashenko allegedly muttered, referencing Ukraine’s ousted leader who fled to Russia in 2014.
By mid-afternoon, the Belarusian leader had set up a spreadsheet titled “Plan Bunker: Urban Edition”. It reportedly included a column for balcony views (“must avoid potential sniper lines”) and proximity to dumpling shops (“in case of emotional eating”).
Witnesses claim he briefly entertained a listing for a three-bedroom penthouse but deemed it too flashy. “I’m a common man of the people,” he told his staff.
When asked about the rumors during a press conference, Lukashenko denied everything with a laugh that was slightly too forced. “This is Western propaganda,” he declared, before quickly adding.
As of late evening, Lukashenko was seen scrolling through real estate forums while muttering about the lack of good parking options. His search history reportedly included phrases like “safe neighborhoods for autocrats,” and “how to sound humble when requesting asylum”.
Whether the housing hunt was purely hypothetical or a sign of deeper concerns remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: Moscow landlords might want to keep their inboxes open.
* Image: X.com