WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following last Friday’s Alaska Summit, President Donald Trump declared that he was so impressed with the “tremendous mountains, the best snow, and possibly the most beautiful moose – many people are saying that” that he intends to purchase the State of Alaska.
When reminded that Alaska has already been part of the United States since 1867, Trump responded, “Yes, but technically, we bought it from Russia, and quite frankly, I can make a much better deal. Nobody buys Alaska like I buy Alaska.”
Trump went on to explain his strategy: “We’ll call it Alaska 2.0 – bigger, better, with more icebergs. I’ll personally negotiate with the polar bears. They love me. Everyone knows it.”
He promised that once the deal is complete, every American will receive a complimentary snow shovel and a lifetime supply of salmon “delivered fresh, no taxes, maybe the best fish deal ever.”
Economists appeared puzzled, but Trump’s supporters cheered the idea, already printing red hats that read “Make Alaska Ours Again.”
One supporter in Anchorage was overheard saying, “If Trump can buy Greenland and Alaska at the same time, we’ll be unstoppable. That’s like owning the deluxe edition of North America.”
Meanwhile, state officials in Alaska remained diplomatic.
Governor Mike Dunleavy issued a short statement: “We’re glad the President liked our state. But just to clarify, he already owns it. Still, we’ll happily accept a second check if he insists.”
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