WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a stunning press conference today President Donald Trump announced that during his first year of his second term in the office he has ended at list eight “unendable wars”.
He stated that those eight years have “basically, totally, unbelievably ended,” prompting him to consider whether that he should be eligible for not one, not two, but eight Nobel Peace Prizes.
“Nobody’s ever ended wars like me,” Trump reportedly said, gesturing broadly. “Some people end one war. I end wars in bulk. Costco-level peace.”
According to sources close to the situation (mostly mirrors), Trump reasoned that since the Nobel Committee is usually slow, it might be more efficient to simply award all eight prizes at once, possibly stacked into a single, “very classy” super-medal.
“It would save them time, save them money, and frankly, it would look incredible on my shelf,” he explained, adding that previous winners were “nice people, but not really winners.”
International leaders reacted with a mix of confusion, cautious applause, and frantic checking of current battle reports. One anonymous diplomat noted, “We’re not entirely sure which wars he’s referring to, but he seems extremely confident, and he has charts. Very strong charts.”
The Nobel Committee declined to comment, though insiders confirmed their fax machine caught fire after receiving Trump’s handwritten nomination form titled ‘Peace x8 (Tremendous)’.
Trump concluded by saying that if eight Nobel Prizes prove “too small,” he would be open to a new category called the ‘Ultimate Peace Prize’, awarded for “historic levels of peace, talent, and good vibes.”
He then congratulated himself, shook his own hand, and reminded reporters that if peace continues, “we might have to go double digits.”