WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly appointed Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has announced her top priority: locating the mysterious hacker known as “Anonymous” and personally handing him a dismissal notice.
Sources inside the intelligence community report that Gabbard has been pacing the halls of the office of the DNI headquarters, demanding to know, “Which room is Anonymous in, and why is he still on payroll?”
“It’s unacceptable,” Gabbard told reporters. “For years, this guy has been leaking, hacking, and wearing that weird mask. And we’ve just let it slide? Not on my watch.”
Intelligence officials have tried explaining that Anonymous is not one person but a decentralized collective of hacktivists, but Gabbard remains undeterred. “Then I’ll fire all of them,” she declared.
As her search continues, reports indicate that Gabbard has ordered all government cyber units to “reverse-hack” Anonymous and issue an official termination notice via meme format.
“If they communicate through memes, we’ll beat them at their own game,” said one senior intelligence officer, visibly exhausted.
Meanwhile, the White House has declined to comment, though an unidentified official was overheard saying, “Honestly, I kinda want to see how this plays out.”
* Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore, goodfon.com