MOSCOW, RUSSIA – In a stunning gesture of goodwill, Russian president Vladimir Putin announced today that, in an effort to support President Donald Trump’s claims about his peacemaking abilities, all future bombings in Ukraine will now be classified as “mostly peaceful.”
The Kremlin insists that this new policy aligns with its commitment to reducing excessive destruction while still ensuring a firm military presence.
“We will only bomb areas that stay in the way of our bombs and rockets,” said a Russian defense spokesperson. “That’s a peaceful, right?”
Trump, speaking in the Oval Office, praised the announcement as proof of his diplomatic genius. “Look, folks, Putin respects me, okay? He never would’ve done this for Biden—never! When I was president, we had perfect peace. Now, with me being president again, we have mostly peaceful bombings. It’s a big step, tremendous step,” Trump declared.
“”Mostly peaceful” is a beautiful term. I mean, I once had a mostly peaceful diet – only 14 Diet Cokes a day!” Trump added.
Meanwhile, Ukrainian officials responded with cautious skepticism. “We appreciate the effort to redefine war crimes as something slightly more polite, but we’d prefer the traditional version of peace – the one without bombs,” said a Ukrainian military spokesperson.
In the meantime, the world waits to see if Russia will further downgrade its aggression from “mostly peaceful” to “mildly inconvenient.”
* Image: Flickr.com/TaylorHerring