WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has announced a new economic initiative aimed at “draining the dumb.”
Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference in the White House, Trump revealed a 200% tariff on imports of a mysterious element he called “pure retardium,” which he claims is “the number one cause of extreme stupidity in America – worse than TikTok, worse than decaf coffee, and frankly, worse than low-energy Jeb.”
“We’re being flooded, folks – flooded – with retardium. It’s coming in from China, from Canada, probably from space. They’re sending it in toothpaste, in phone chargers, even in oat milk,” Trump declared while pointing at what appeared to be a bottle of almond creamer.
“We used to be a very smart country, the best, really, and now people can’t even spell ‘coffee’ without three autocorrects. Sad!”
The proposed tariff is expected to hit certain industries hard, particularly online influencers, reality television, and whatever the heck is happening on Twitter these days.
Trump assured reporters, however, that “the smartest people, the very best brains, are totally immune,” and hinted at a possible exemption for anyone who’s bought his NFTs or attended three or more of his rallies.
Experts are baffled, primarily because they have been unable to identify any substance that might be “pure retardium”, most probably because it does not exist.
A White House science advisor, speaking anonymously, said, “We think he might be talking about TikTok trends, but honestly, your guess is as good as ours.”
Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Greene has voiced full support, tweeting, “Finally someone is standing up to Big Dumb.”
* Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore