WASHINGTON, D.C. -In a historic diplomatic breakthrough, President Trump is reportedly planning to cede the entire state of Alaska to Russia in exchange for president Vladimir Putin’s solemn promise not to escalate hostilities by invading Florida.
The agreement, reportedly sealed with a sweet kiss and an extra-long eye contact moment, has left both international diplomats and American public stunned.
“This is a huge win for peace,” declared President Donald Trump during a press conference in the White House.
“We will give them Alaska, which frankly is very cold, very snowy – people don’t like snow – and in return, Putin promised, and I quote, ‘on my freakin’ grandmother ’s life,’ that he won’t invade Florida. A fantastic deal. The best deal. Maybe ever.”
According to leaked documents, the agreement includes a clause stating that Putin must also refrain from “hovering menacingly over Miami with submarines” and that all Russian troops stationed in Alaska must “I ♥ Trump” sign on their uniform for the first 90 days.
In response, Russia has begun construction on a massive “Welcome Back” sign near the former state capital of Juneau.
Meanwhile, Alaskans have expressed mixed feelings about the sudden change in national status. “We’re not sure we like to drink vodka every day for breakfast, lunch and dinner,” said one Anchorage resident.
Floridians, meanwhile, have begun erecting anti-submarine sandcastles as a precaution.
* Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidamore