WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise press briefing this morning, U.S. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. confirmed that the Department of Health and Human Services will form a “Special Presidential Gastrointestinal Inquiry Committee” to determine the cause of President Trump’s “awful and highly regrettable diarrhoea incident” during Trump’s fighter jet journey on Sunday.
“This is not merely a question of diet,” Kennedy told reporters solemnly. “This is a matter of national dignity and possibly national security.”
According to witnesses, the situation began after the former president reportedly consumed an “experimental double cheeseburger taco” paired with a Diet Coke “for balance.”
Secret Service agents were seen scrambling for air fresheners while aides rushed to “contain the situation” and cancel an upcoming golf outing.
“It was a Code Brown,” one unnamed official confirmed, requesting anonymity for fear of professional ruin.
The new committee, Kennedy explained, will include leading gastroenterologists, nutritionists, and a team of psychologists to address the emotional aftermath among staff.
Early theories suggest a mix of stress, fast food, and “cosmic justice” may have played a role. “We’re ruling nothing out,” Kennedy said, adding that the team will also review potential sabotage by a non-friendly country.
In response to questions, a Trump spokesperson insisted the president was “stronger than ever” and “producing record-breaking results,” but declined to clarify what kind of results.
“He’s doing beautifully,” she said. “Many are saying his digestive system is the most powerful in history.”
*Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skirmore / X.com/@RpsAgainstTrump