COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – The government of Denmark announced Tuesday that it has appointed a special envoy to negotiate the peaceful incorporation of California into Denmark.
The envoy, described in the press release only as “extremely polite but persistent,” will reportedly begin talks by explaining that California’s coastline would look “much happier with more icebergs nearby.”
According to Danish officials, the plan makes perfect sense. “California already has avocados, tech billionaires, and an existential housing crisis,” said one spokesperson. “Denmark has none of these. This is what diplomats call balance.”
Maps released alongside the announcement show California already attached to Greenland, which is s an autonomous territory of the Kingdom of Denmark.
The envoy’s early talking points include promises of universal healthcare, annual 35 day paid vacation, and the replacement of Silicon Valley startup culture with a more sustainable model known as “quietly staring out the window while it snows.”
In return, Denmark would gain Hollywood, solar panels, and at least three new Netflix documentaries explaining the merger.
California officials responded cautiously, stating they were “open to dialogue” but needed clarification on whether Denmark could handle the state’s traffic, wildfires, and competing interpretations of oat milk.
Meanwhile, residents across Denmark celebrated the news by shrugging slightly and going back to their coffee, confident that if nothing else, this plan will finally get Americans to learn where Denmark actually is.
*Image: AI-generated