MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian dictator Putin declared that if USA gives Alaska back to Russia, he will make no more new territorial demands, at least until next Thursday
MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian dictator Vladimir Putin announced today that if the United States returns Alaska to Russia, he will “cease all new territorial demands… at least until next Thursday.”
Speaking from the Kremlin, Putin assured the world that Russia’s ambitions would be “temporarily satisfied” by reclaiming the icy territory of Alaska purchased by the U.S. in 1867. He added that he himself and the Kremlin would not make demands for any other US territories, for example California, Nevada or Florida. “I am sure, at least not this week,” Putin stated with a slight grin.
“However, we cannot rule out any potential territorial claims to the USA in the future. But of course, I am sure that no additional claims will be presented before next week.. say, before next Thursday,” Putin quickly added.
“Alaska was a mistake,” Putin declared. “Tsar Alexander II sold it for a few million dollars – basically the price of a Moscow apartment today. I just want it back, along with the keys, the snow, and any leftover sled dogs.”
He added that, in the spirit of peace, Russia would even allow current residents to keep their Costco memberships.
When pressed on what might happen after next Thursday, Putin appeared evasive, muttering something about “possible interest” in “warm beaches” and “strategically important donuts shops.” American officials have yet to respond formally, but one unnamed White House source reportedly said, “We’ll consider it if he throws in free gas for winter.”
The announcement has left political analysts baffled and slightly amused. “It’s the most oddly specific peace offer in modern history,” said one expert. “It’s like saying, ‘Give me your car and I promise not to steal anything else… until the weekend.’”
Meanwhile, residents of Alaska are already debating the perks of switching from Starbucks to samovars.
* Image: X.com