LINCOLN, NEBRASKA – In a study released by the Hard-Core MAGA Institute, experts have concluded that seven of history’s most significant wars would have been completely avoided had Donald J. Trump been President of the United States at the time.
“We ran simulations, conducted seances, and even asked ChatGPT,” said lead researcher Dr. Linda Unbelievable. “The results were, frankly, tremendous.”
Here are the 7 wars that would’ve been ‘totally avoided, folks, believe me’ under a Trump presidency:
- The Trojan War (Ancient Greece mythology) – “Melania would’ve made a way better Helen. Plus, I don’t do horses unless they’re golden and have my name on them.”
- The Napoleonic Wars (1803–1815)– “Napoleon? Very short guy. I would’ve given him a better deal. Probably a Trump-branded hat.”
- The American Civil War (1861 – 1865) – “A very unnecessary war. I would’ve made a deal. North, South—doesn’t matter, we all want lower taxes and better golf courses.”
- World War I (1914-1918) – “Started over a car ride. I would’ve sent them a limo. No limo, no war.”
- World War II (1939-1945) – “I know great generals. Patton would’ve voted for me. Hitler? Loser. I would’ve sanctioned him so fast he’d forget Poland exists.”
- The Cold War (1947 – 1991) – “Putin? We got along great. I’d call him ‘Vlad the Deal-Maker.’ No Cold War, maybe a chilly disagreement.”
- The War of 1812 (1812) – “Never would’ve happened. Canada loves me. The Queen loved me. I would’ve built a beautiful tariff wall. Very classy.”
When asked how he managed to avoid all these wars in a parallel reality, Trump simply replied, “Easy. I’m the best at peace. I invented peace. Frankly, it’s so easy when you’re a stable genius.”
* Image: Pixabay.com/Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore