WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has issued a directive requiring all American billionaires to submit a list of at least five things they did for society last week or risk total asset seizure.
The agency, known for its aggressive approach to making government “less slow and more go,” declared that hoarding wealth without provable usefulness is now classified as a “highly sus economic inefficiency.”
“We’re just asking for basic receipts,” said DOGE spokesperson Karen Audit. “If you’ve got a few hundred billion lying around, surely you found time to do something useful. Paid your employees a living wage? Great. Funded a public park? Nice. Gave your butler a day off? We’ll allow it. But if all you did was buy another yacht and tweet about the free market, we’re taking the cash.”
Billionaires across the country are scrambling to comply, with some attempting creative loopholes. Jeff Bezos reportedly listed “smiling at my delivery driver” as an act of philanthropy, while Elon Musk claimed his memes alone contributed to “global happiness.” Mark Zuckerberg, meanwhile, simply submitted a blank page, which some experts suspect was an existential commentary on his platform’s effect on society.
DOGE officials, unimpressed, have given non-compliant billionaires 48 hours to revise their lists or prepare for a “forced redistribution event,” otherwise known as losing all their money to bridge repair projects and public schools funding.
Warren Buffett, the only billionaire to turn in his list early, reportedly included, “Let my grandkids win at Monopoly,” and “Told Congress to raise my taxes (again, not that they listen).”
While some billionaires scramble to meet the deadline, others are fleeing to their private islands, unaware that DOGE has already classified “offshore escape plans” as an automatic confession of social uselessness. The countdown is on.
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