WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a ceremony he planned, hosted, and live streamed himself, President Donald Trump reportedly awarded himself the Medal of Honor yesterday after “heroically resolving another five major wars before lunch.”
Wearing a black suite covered with golden glitter, Trump declared the moment “the most courageous act of courage in the history of courageous acts,” adding that no one had ever deserved a medal more than he did, “except maybe me tomorrow.”
According to Trump, the five wars he solved included a “borderline intergalactic conflict,” a “trade war that technically wasn’t a war,” and a “very nasty feud between two countries I can’t name because the details are extremely classified.”
Journalists on the scene were unable to verify any of these claims, mostly because the event press passes were printed with invisible ink and the Wi-Fi password was “youDontNeedIt.”
Witnesses say that after pinning the Medal of Honor on his own chest – an act requiring three attempts and one small mirror – Trump saluted himself with “perfect form,” noting that the military had begged him to teach a masterclass on salutes sometime next week.
“It’s a beautiful honor for a beautiful person,” he said, gesturing toward himself with both hands.
To conclude the ceremony, Trump announced he would be nominating himself for “all future medals, trophies, plaques, ribbons, and participation awards,” citing his “unmatched, totally unbelievable record of peacemaking, war-solving, and overall greatness.”
He then left the stage to thunderous applause – generated, according to staff, by a Bluetooth speaker set to “Crowd Roar: Maximum.”